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Muffin-tops: Cover your shame.

3 Sep

Summer may be ending but what was once usually just a summertime problem has turned into a year-round epidemic. I am of course talking about the infamous muffin-top. For those of you fortunate enough to be out of the loop on muffin-tops, I’ll enlighten you. As unreliable as Wikipedia can be, I’ll use there definition here as it is the best fitting for describing this grotesque outbreak. Wikipedia defines as muffin-top as “…the phenomenon of overhanging flesh (fat) when it spills over the waistline of pants or skirts in a manner that resembles the top of a muffin spilling over its paper casing.”

If you’re somehow lost from this definition, the picture below should clarify things a bit:

Muffin-tops can easily occur when lard squeezes over the top of undersized jeans.

Now you see how vulgar muffin-tops are now let’s get to the causes so you can truly understand the problem. Muffin-tops are typically the result of lazy, overweight people that for some think that they’re attractive just because the level 32 Paladin that works behind the counter at Blockbuster frequently offers to “share manna” or whatever the fuck those people do.

Muffin-tops: When excess isn't enough.

Now here’s an open letter to all of those with muffin-tops from us good folks here at RawDogBlog:

Dear purveyors of muffin-tops:

Stop. You are fucking disgusting as well as what’s wrong with America. I get it, you’re too lazy to exercise or really move around at all. If that’s how you choose to be, cover your flabby bodies with moo-moos, or fashion you’re own by cutting arm holes in your drapes. We are sick of seeing you fat deposits spilling over your clothes. Get clothes that fit, stop telling yourself you fit into those size “0” jeans. If you have to hold in your gut just to button them, you’re clothes do not fit!

If you want to wear tighter fitting clothing, go outside and get some damned exercise. And no, cutting down your Ho-Ho intake from 35 to 29 a day isn’t going to do the trick. A good diet is important but you still have to get out of your couch imprint and go do something physical. Physical things include: walking, running, going to the gym, etc. Basically anything that includes going outside and sweating. For the record, although breathing makes you sweat, it is not actually an exercise as it is usually an effortless bodily function in humans.

In closing, cover your shame. Nobody wants to be forced to see your body’s evidence that it has been dormant for the last 10 years while you’re favorite syndicated shows have been in nonstop marathons. If you want to show your body, make it one that the world wouldn’t mind seeing. It may be hard but it isn’t as hard as it is for us to swallow our food while being forced to see the physical evidence that you’ve just given up on life.

Sincerely,

-America

Ps. Now, here’s a picture of a girl who’s stomach can be shown without causing others to vomit:

A healthy stomach.

Ignore the fact that she isn’t too hot, we aren’t judging all of her. I can tell you something though, she didn’t get that stomach from watching old Nick-at-Nite reruns with her best friends, Ben and Jerry.

Now go out and harass fat chicks until they exercise because if we let this continue, then the terrorists have won. We here at RawDog have a strict policy, we don’t negotiate with terrorists or fat chicks. You either love America and stay skinny or you’re only looking good through the scope of a Remington 700.

Just because we here at RawDog are shameless, it doesn’t mean that you fat fucks can be too. We here at RawDog go outside frequently instead of sit behind a computer all day (which may explain the infrequent and half-assed updates) and we encourage all of you to do the same.

Our beef with fat people is simple. Obesity is not an incurable disease, cancer is. We aren’t here to make fun of cancer patients for having incurable, real diseases. We are here to put you fat people in your place for being so lazy to get fat and then accepting your obesity instead of doing something about it. America didn’t get so great due to complacency, we got were we are through never being satisfied and striving for more. Now fat people what are you striving for more of? Hostess or a better life? Do you want to be like Micheal Moore or would you rather be someone that isn’t a burden on society?

Do you really want to be like this?

You choose. If you choose the lazy way out of this, you will be mocked. Shit’s raw.

The Champ: Oreo

17 Aug

Oreo is my cat, she lives with me in my apartment. Actually, she pretty much lets me live in her apartment. That fucking bitch. She’s a sweetheart to people, but if you bring any animal over she’ll fuck him/her up. Oreo’s got a bigger kill list than a rice rocket in the valley. Back to Oreo, she’s the reigning champ and has been for all 15 years that she’s been with us.

The champion resting.

We love you Oreo!